The Past Hurts
by rizzlestiva
Summary: With the whole hospital talking about Samuel Averys death, Amelia is silently struggling with memories this brings back. Amelia/Arizona friendship. Trigger warnings: death of child/past drug abuse


So I had this thought for a one shot and had to immediately write it so I didn't forget the idea. Incase you havent read description: Trigger warnings: substance abuse / death of child.

* * *

Word spread quickly around the hospital. Everybody knew about Jackson and April's baby. Everybody knew could never survive, but it is an unbearable topic to think about. Nobody wants to acknowledge the death of an innocent child, never mind talk about it. Not until now.

April is in labor and everybody knows. The hospital is silent. There are whispers throughout the corridors to go light a candle. To say a prayer.

Despite working in paediatrics and working with uncountable numbers of pregnant mothers, Arizona couldn't begin to comprehend what her friends were going through. She had miscarried several years ago and it had hurt like nothing else in her life. There is no possible way for her to understand how April is feeling.

Though she doesn't pride herself in religion, it seems fitting to light a candle for her friend. April lives to please her God so it feels like the right thing to do. The hospital Chapel is quiet when she enters. A few heads sat around the room, presumably families of patients. Arizona walks quietly to the candles front and centre saying a prayer as she lights one of the last of them. She has never seen so many lit at once, but then again, she has never known anybody who has gone through so much trauma before.

As she walks quietly back through the Chapel, she notices a familiar face sat in one of the back rows. Dark wavy hair and blue eyes that hold what looks like several life times of pain. Arizona never thought of Amelia as somebody who would sit and pray. They knew each other fairly well, but one normally wouldn't consider them close friends. They just had mutual friends in common.

"It's heartbreaking isn't it?" The blonde says sitting down beside her colleague. Amelia flicks her eyes up, only now seeing she has company. She wipes her eyes, removing any evidence of the tears she had left fall before Arizona had joined her.

"Sorry. What were you saying?" Amelia responds quietly, aware of the volume while other people talk to God.

"I can't begin to imagine what they are going through. All that pain and suffering for what? I don't know how they're holding it together." Arizona elaborates.

"They don't have a choice. The only other option is to give up, and that would only make things worse. You have to fight until you can't fight anymore."

"When I miscarried, I thought it was the end of the world. I could barely find a reason to get up in the morning. I don't think I could deal with what they're going through. It's not like you can ever move on from something like that."

"You don't move on. You just work through it. One day they'll learn to say his name, and it'll hurt like hell but they won't breakdown and cry. One day they'll think of him, and they'll remember the love they felt. It'll never go away." Amelia says quietly. Her voice quivering at the thought of her baby boy. Tears begin to fall down her face but she quickly shakes them away, standing up to leave. Arizona is left speechless at what had just happened. She wondered what Amelia was referring to. She worried for the neurosurgeon.

* * *

As the day goes by, Arizona hears about the death of her friends child. Although it was inevitable and she knew it would happen, it still hurt. Hearing April talk about him. Cry about him. It was too much.

Although she worried about her friend dealing with this great loss, Arizona knew April had many people helping her through this. Amelia on the other hand, she was alone. As she about to go get changed to get changed and head home for the night, Arizona walks post Meredith who looks just as exhausted as the rest of us.

"Have you seen Amelia?" Arizona asks in a somewhat neutral tone, not wanting Meredith to catch on to her concerns.

"She went home about an hour ago. Why? You need a neuro consult?" She asks but Arizona just shakes her head.

"It's not important don't worry about it."

Instead of heading home the blonde makes a last minute decision to go to the Shepherd/Grey household. Alex let's her in when she get there, he has presumably been watching the kids for Meredith while she works. "Amelia said I could drop by" Arizona lies as a way to make Alex less suspicious.

"She is in her room. Second to the left."

"Thanks."

"Amelia it's Arizona, can I come in?" the blonde said after quietly knocking on her door. Hearing a small mumble but nothing that could be identified as language, Arizona slowly opens the door before closing it behind her. "Hey."

"What can I help you with Robbins, I'm kindof busy here." Amelia says without turning around to look at the door. Arizona can tell she has been crying again just from her voice.

"I thought you could use a friend... Or a drink. I honestly don't know which is more appropriate right now. We don't even know each other that well." The blonde says as she stumbles over her words.

"Clearly."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Arizona retorts, feeling quite offended by the brunettes harsh tone. She was only trying to be nice after all.

For the first time since Arizona entered, Amelia turns to sit upright with her back against the headboard.

"The last time I had alcohol in my system, my fiancé overdosed on opiods and died while I was asleep coming down from my high next to him." Amelia says in a low voice, not showing much emotion at all.

"Amelia I'm sorry. I didn't know, I never would have suggested getting a drink."

"I know. I'm sorry, I-uh, shouldn't have freaked out like that." Amelia says to Arizona. "I'm just having a bad day is all. I'll be okay."

"Can I sit down?" the blonde asks her new friend, careful not to push any boundaries that would make the brunette uncomfortable. When she receives a nod in response she takes a seat, not too close to Amelia, but close enough. "Do you want to talk about it?" Arizona offers, hoping her new friend would let her in but having no expectations.

"I'm not very good a talking about my emotions. I never have been." Amelia admits. This is a huge step for her. A single tear drop rolls down her face, but instead of pushing the brunette to talk about her feelings, Arizona just shuffles closer and opens her arms for a hug.

* * *

After what felt like several hours, Amelia's tears converted into silent sobs. Arizona is so glad Amelia is letting her be there, but not sure how to deal with this situation. She is beyond worried about the woman who is curled up in her embrace and wants nothing more than to tell her everything will be okay.

When Amelia finally pulls herself together, she feels the need to apologise to Arizona.

"I'm sorry, I should let you go. We barely know each other, at this point we a pretty much and you shouldn't have to deal with all my emotions. So thank you for being here, but you can go. I'll be okay."

"Y'know, I've been thinking, and I don't normally let complete strangers lay in my arms for several hours. I also don't let complete strangers rest their head on my chest while they cry so I'm sorry but no. I'm not a stranger, I've been promoted to friend." Arizona explains in her usual light hearted voice. "And friends don't leave other friends alone when they're having a bad day." This gets a slight smile out of the slightly younger woman but she pulls her hands inside her sleeves, still pretty anxious about the situation.

"I moved to Seattle for a fresh start. Nobody here knows me, not really. That's what I wanted." Amelia begins to explain. Arizona doesn't understand the significance of what Amelia is telling her but sits and listens anyway. "I could start fresh here and I thought that was a good thing. But then today happened, and I wished I was back in LA. I wanted my friends who I knew would be there for me."

"I might not have been there then, but I'm a pretty good listener of you want to tell me."

"I haven't told anybody here. Nobody knows, not even Derek." Amelia says quietly Arizona contemplates what she could say to comfort her to make her feel better.

"I'm a vault. Whatever you say in here doesn't leave this room."

Amelia thinks about telling Arizona everything. She doesn't just let the thought pass her mind, but she really thinks about it. "You promise?" Amelia asks wiping her eyes and leaning in toward her friend once more.

"I promise."

"I'm a drug addict. I've fallen off the wagon twice, first as a teenager and then again a little over three years ago." Amelia explains and Arizona just nods, piecing this together with what Amelia had said earlier about her fiancé dying. "The second time was in LA. I met a guy and I had been drinking a lot. We started getting high together. My friends knew I was going down a bad path but I was awful to them. I was horrible. They tried to help but I just couldn't stop. I quit my job and spent all my time with Ryan. It was fun, until he started to get worried about me. He wasn't an addict, he just used recreationally. He could quit whenever he wanted. We decided to get clean together, but we had enough drugs for one last high. You know how that ended. "

"I'm sorry Amelia." Arizona says unable to think of any more comforting words. "For what it's worth, I'm glad you got clean. I would never had met you otherwise.

"April's baby died. You said you could never imagine what she was feeling." Amelia continues after a small pause and the room goes silent.

"I did."

"I don't have to imagine. I've been where she is and there is no getting past that. It consumes you."

"I'm sorry." Arizona replies, still unable to think of a better response. Amelia pills away from there embrace, feeling a shiver from the lack of contact but goes to open her bedside drawer. From beneath piles of underwear, Amelia pulls out a piece of paper and passes it to Arizona.

"His name was Christopher. He got me clean, maybe he would have gotten Ryan clean. I don't know."

"Anencephaly?" Arizona says aloud from looking at the ultrasound and Amelia just nods in response.

"I donated his organs to save other babies. Losing him was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. With everything April is going through, it just brought back a lot of memories." Amelia continues, leaving back into Arizona's side.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that. And I'm sorry you're reliving it now. I'm here for you in the long run. If you ever need a friend, or a shoulder to cry on. I'm the lady person who would judge you."

"Thank you."

After several moments of silence, the type that is so quiet you think you could actually hear another person's thoughts, Amelia begins to speak. "Arizona, if I tell you something can you promise not to leave? I don't think I could take it if you left tonight."

"I will stay as long as you want me too. I told you, you're safe here."

"I have a bag of black market oxy in my coat pocket." She admits and the blonde just pulls her tighter into their embrace. "I haven't taken any. I was going to tonight but I haven't. I want you to get rid of it, please."

* * *

So there it is. That was my thought. If you enjoyed this try reading my full story How It Started and it's sequel Where Things Went (They are Amezona ship) but also quite dark with a style similar to this. Let me know what you think of this and if you have any one shots you want making reality let me know. Thanks for reading!


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